Hampden Hawker: Keep Your Clothes On, Mystery Dude.

Hampden Hawker

THE Hampden Gossip Blog

Hopefully Factual, Fueled by Speculation

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Thursday, October 18, 2007

Keep Your Clothes On, Mystery Dude.

Ok, Hampdenites, here's a disturbing piece of news: There seems to be a serial masturbator practicing his disgusting art on the Avenue.

Sources tell Hawker that he showed up at a local business and asked an employee to take a photograph of him. (The employee thought this was weird, but the dude somehow made this request seem plausible by saying he had a job application that needed a photo--he had a copy of the application and seemed legit.) The employee agreed to help him out, and they planned to take the photo outside. Once they got outside (and from the sounds of it, away from the sight lines of the street,) the dude took off all of his clothes (gym shorts and a T-shirt) and started doing his thing. The employee ran back into the store, and the dude disappeared.

I hesitate to offer a description of this dude, because basically the vague description Hawker received fits about 75% of guys currently living in Hampden.

Apparently, this is not the first time such an incident has happened to a Hampden business. If it happens to you (though you will be traumatized by your inability to unsee the crime once you've seen it,) call 911 ASAP.

Hawker wishes all Hampden business a public masturbation-free Friday!



At 9:45 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Wow, maybe Crimeblog was right when she said Hampden is a populated mostly by sex offenders!

At 9:50 AM, Blogger Miss Ruby Ruin said...

Can we please not revisit this topic?

Hawker's seen & heard of public masturbation in New York and Chicago and various college libraries across the country. This is not an isolated Hampden problem.

At 10:14 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I was being sarcastic.

At 10:44 AM, Blogger Miss Ruby Ruin said...

Sorry! I'm sensitive! My new reply is: HA!

At 10:58 AM, Blogger Johnny Zebra - Referee said...

Sarcasm on the interwebs? Get out! ;-)

But y'all need to be dropping that sarcasm emoticon (see above) to make sure people understand your scathing Wildean humor. . .


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